Tại vì có 1 a nyc bảo mình bị daddy issue.
Now ‘daddy’ is where he got that wrong, because I hate my mom just as much as I hate my dad. I love them, but I’ll get there in a minute.
But I didn’t know why he said that. Now, I have been known to date good looking guys, and they must’ve got some from their dads, right? This one even has 2 dads. At this point I had to high-five his mom, because, go woman, not being creepy here, but both his dads are still stunning at their 60s, and that’s when I realized he was the one with daddy(s) issue – takes one to know one, huh? Because he would never be half as good as his dads. And not just good-looking wise – everything-else wise, I’m very sure. And they both adored me – I’m a sweet little girl.
But I won’t get too close to that here; this actually has very little to do with any of my exes.
Here is why I don’t have daddy issue. I just have a quite uncomfortable relationship with my dad. And my mom. She always wanted us (my sister and me) to understand right away what she’s understood– that she had all her life to figure out, and she never could see why we couldn’t do life just like she did (uhh, how about because we’re combined from 2 very different persons who decided to have offspring together?), and he always wanted sons. So there’s that.
But if you come around the age that your parents were when they had you, and you’re not married yet – meaning, you don’t have a new set of parents to judge yet (ohhhhhh and if you do, it’s very fun, I got a sense for a while, and it helped a lot, explained why their son and I were torturing each other, and no we were not done quite yet hahahaaaa, not for a long little while, that’s how you know they’re just as fucked up as your parents, and they’re not even afraid to show you that, and the best part is, you don’t have to feel bad for that family, because they didn’t care all that much about you – just like you didn’t them), and you don’t have kids to worry about yet – if they’re gonna grow up and become criminals, and you have no choice but to go back and analyze the one set you’re blessed with from the start – yeah, who else do you have to blame for your problems?
You just have no choice but to be understanding towards your parents. At this point I’m proud to say that I know everything about my mom and my dad. From their side, they still struggle to figure out what my favorite food is (can’t blame them, I change it every year), plus, my sister’s gone vegan, so my mom has to invent new dishes to amuse me and make sure it’s vegan for my sister. I know my mom will never stop responding “yes?” no matter how many times my sister and I pretend to fight and yell MOMMMM for help, and my dad can’t get mad at me if I annoy him but give him a new puzzle to solve after, like, Dad, dad, Daaaaaddddd, what does the word ‘tờ’ mean in the saying ‘im lặng như tờ’? And he has a sweet tooth just like mine and only likes the snacks I choose, but my mom will only let him have 1 per day.
See, Im such a good kid.
My dad once said that this generation (millennials) will be the first ones who forget their roots (ancestors, going back to the dad’s hometown 3 times a year to pray, with 2 billions death dates –in lunar calendar – of passed loved ones to remember, etc).
But I say, we’re the first generation who ever has to forgive their parents.
Because we didn’t live through war, or famine, or any plague (OK we had COVID but most of us millennials were on the way to our 30s by then), our lives have been nothing compared to the misery the previous generations had. They can blame their problems on the time, the place, and whatever hardship they had to endure. We have nothing but our upbringing to blame. At some point, we leave our nest – oh what good start we have, then we create our own little societies , but we manage to screw every single one of them up. And now every therapist talks about the childhood trauma and the parents (and the ‘inner child’, whatever the fuck that means), so we believe that’s why we end up here, and ‘here’ is a very bad place. And because we can’t go on if we keep blaming ourselves for our past mistakes, we need to keep digging, yes, dig deeper, just a little deeper, like, what did your mom do to you that morning before school? Hahahaaaa. Let it all out, don’t let it haunt you! Put the responsibility on someone, something else! It is not fair but it is how it is. And so our parents have to take the hit.
Then the therapist goes on to say, now, you forgive your parents. And so we do. We still don’t understand what they actually did to us? But we forgive them alright. We have no choice but to.
I actually don’t have any childhood trauma (and never went to any therapist). This is something that I turned upside down in my head to confirm, in every conversation I had with my sister. We both concluded that, no, we had a normal childhood, our parents were (and still are) very nice, they did the best they could, and far better than many other families; yes they always have had their own problems here and there, but nothing too crazy. Just 2 normal confused persons like everybody else, but they managed so that we had a very nice time when we were little, they hardly fought and we never had to see any. But maybe it was because we were too small and too dumb to realize the problems? Or even now, are we still too dumb to think we were a functioning family? I really don’t know, all I know is that I love my parents and the first house we had, and the many cats that lived (and died, or got stolen) there, all my best memories are there, I still always dream of that first house in my sleep. So what is it that made us the 2 fucked ups we are now? It must be the gene, right?
We were just never close, but that’s not because of our parents. For example, I never liked to cuddle when I was a kid, not because I had no one to do so with, I was just in my head most of the time. In nursery school, I was always the one who got isolated, and I can’t remember if it was because of something weird I did or because other kids were mean to me (I might be mean now but as a kid I can clearly recall that I was just a very nice and quiet girl) and I thought it was OK, maybe I was just an easy target. It’s funny tho, my mom always bragged about how a very good kid I was: I always sat at my desk doing my homework, without anyone having to tell me. I sat there so I could finish my homework after school (we also are the generation who has the heaviest load of homework), and I just liked to, needed to, finish things (very mild OCD here). Not that I liked studying or I thought of my parents or thought that I had to try my best to thrive blah blah blah, no. I was automatically like that. Did I ever have a very big dream? Grow up and be someone and see the world? No. I think my most ambitious dream was to get to college, and that was it. Haha. Good thing, here I am, saw the world a good deal, knew a few things that people should know only when they’re at least 50 (or never?) But im only 30 and life is gonna keep coming at me and sometimes I just don’t have the energy.
So then what can I blame my problems on? I need to blame something, right? The exact time and date that my parents conceived me, which gave me the bad omen (that was very clear on both my Chinese and Western horoscope chart)? Or the trauma and childhood that my parents had (I’m sure they very much had)? Just the gene then? Or some miracle that collected all the bad gene from each of my parents and divided them equally between me and my sister? At some point we decided that it was the gene. It must be the gene. And our parents carry them, so OK we can put the blame on them a little.
We put the blame on them so that we get to forgive them. And so we did. We forgave. I am perfectly aware that I have it much easier than many other people out there, and their parents had it worse too. But no I won’t forgive someone else’s parents, because fuck them and fuck their parents, that’s not my job to do.
So go ahead, forgive your parents. For all of us.