I’ve reached this age where if i dont hear from my friends for more than a month, chances are they could have already died.
One of my friends just did. Funny how when a person’s gone, we can judge the closeness of the relationship by the order in which we are notified. Family, then a few closest friends. Then maybe our boss and colleagues – because yes, as cold and heartless and as it is, life still goes on and someone else has to take the spot we left behind. then a few friends will go on to tell some other friends or mutual friends, and they maybe will go on to make a story out of it, or write something about it, as I’m doing now.
Her family knew first, around 2am. then at 6am, a mutual friend called me, sobbing, telling me what happened. I was among the 3rd or 4th in her very small circle of friends, which mean I was quite close, right? but I know I wasn’t. We only shared a few trips in the past and recently planned some few others here and there, but as a reserved person she was and a closed off person I am, we never talked. No late-night chat, no bf gf advice, no spending hours going shopping or sitting around at coffees. All I know is we have this mutual understanding that she is one of a few people who really get me, and I her.
then I started thinking, if it were me who died, who among my very few remaining friends would be notified first? And speaking of, who among my friends would identify me as their “best friend”, “the best friend”? if someone thinks about me, what kind of friends or social circles would they categorize me into?
(and no I would never kill myself because I’m a bitch and I don’t care about life (and thus, death) that much. In fact, I hate most people around me so much, even some in my family and in the close circle of social interactions that I have to deal with day to day, that I neither want to be in any of their pity stories nor want them to be present at my funeral. And the only way to prevent them coming, is to outlive them. So no I’m not killing myself).
but not having a best friend is quite sad isn’t it? I have these friends who’ve known me for years, some from my childhood. I don’t keep close contact with anyone and it’s fine by me. if we live in the same city, we can catch up once per month or bimonth. especially if they have kids, because from then on, all conversations magically went back to 10 years ago when we first met. In their mind, I must have been (!!) the same nice pushover they used to walk all over. 10 fucking years ago. And they complained how much I’ve changed, how nasty I’ve become. Yes duhh, in the whole time, long enough for you to have your 2 (or 3) kids, some of you even with one (or 2!!) divorce(s), I’ve managed to become this person, that you were so close, witnessed it too, but never bother to take that into account. and now you act all surprised, as if I’ve become something so intolerable, because, hoo ha, you already have your 2 kids plus a husband and so much to deal with, that I would never be able to imagine (uh, how about, yes I could, that’s why I don’t want to get myself into it??), and hoo, hoo to the fucking ha.
You know what? Luckily I don’t have that suicidal mind. I’ve just become this person who, if you cross me, I’ll fuck you up. twice over. and will tell your precious kids, in the most literary manner (because most of you has none, and I pity your kids).
so no, I don’t need more friends. I’m just sad one of my few had left.